It's time to live the life you always dreamed of.
Autostachic is the definitive man-tastic testing apparatus. Using cutting edge technology from the immediate to near future, Autostachic harnesses power comparable to one hundred grizzly bears. That's enough energy to bring down a fully grown mastodon. Brace yourself, things could get hairy.
Autostachic is an iOS app that puts the MUST in mustache. Pick it up in the App Store today!
It's so easy even your mustache could do it.
This video was constructed by an army of mustache wearing patrons who created their own video cameras, editing software and tapped together all the musical instruments to bombard our eyes and ears simultaneously.
This is not a joke. You should stop smiling.
Just what is Autostachic?
FACT: If given one wish, 99% out of 99.9% of men in 100% of the world would wish for a more full mustache. It's just science, really. And when has science been wrong before?
Autostachic is a way to see yourself not merely as the man you are, but as the man you could become. And the best part is, there's no work to be done! By simply aiming your stache-tastic testing apparatus (colloquially titled the iPad), you can unlock your mustache potential with the tap of a button.
Can Autostachic help me, too?
Well, that really all depends. 737 out of 738 testing subjects report an increase in their quality of life in almost every aspect. That's an increase in consumer satisfaction that far outweighs the projected benefits of electroshock therapy and pictures of cats doing cute things on the internet. Again, these are just scientific metrics. Not fabrication. You can't really make 98% of this stuff up.
But how does it Work?
Because none of us here at the Quantic Fox labs have any measurable grasp on the specifics of gamma radiation or concentrated UV mechanics, we can't really say for sure. So like most things in life, just accept that in the end they'll either make life more convenient or consume us in a great ball of fire therein ending the reign of the human race.
How do I live the life I always wanted and start Autostaching today?
Your untainted tenacity is something to be admired. Fear not, mighty Mustrachestronaut, your time has come. Arm yourself at an App Store per your convenience and embark on an adventure so brazenly bushy, there can be no alternative. For an introductory sales price of .99, you can be that man, women or child ready to embark on a journey with Science few have dared triumphantly traverse so boldly.